The Ballad of Josh

Written 11-2-25

 - Hi, My name's Josh.

I'm not great at introducing myself, but I have this lovely choir that can help me -

His name's Josh

- Hello -

He's such a lovely guy

- Aw thanks -

He smells good

- I shower every morning -

And sometimes twice a day

 -I know it's a bit weird, but they're helping me with my confidence

And they sound lovely dontcha think? -

We love Josh

- aw -

He gave us our big break

- yall are great, no problem -

He's so sweet

- ^_^ -

He'll treat you like a queen

- I'm really enjoying our time together. I'm glad you agreed to come out tonight -

He's your Josh

- that's me -

He'll make your life so good

- I'll try -

He wears boots

- Size 9s -

To slaughter bandicoots

- Yeah, wait what? -

 -Wait wait, what was that last line?

Did they say bandicoots? What's a bandicoot? -

He's so Josh

- mhm -

He lives life on the edge

- Not too far though -

He likes men

- Wait, that's not right -

Unconscious on the floor

- That's awful! Don't say that -

 - Okay wait, none of that is right. I'm not edgy and I don't like men. I mean, I have guy friends, but I don't like them unconscious or anything. -

That's so Josh

- Can we stop for a minute? -

He'll make you bowls of soup

- Okay, that's true -

Drink it up

- I mean, if you want -

He calls it children's brew

- No! -

- No no. What's the context of that? Is it for kids? Made of kids?

I'm confused. I think you guys can go now -

Life with Josh

- please leave -

He'll take up all your time

- your services are no longer required -

Be cautious

- Please, go away. I'll pay you extra to stop -

He's jealous of your dad

 - What?! Okay, maybe we should go. I'm sorry, this choir is getting out of hand. -

He's so Josh

- check please?! -

He lives a life of lies

- Can I just leave the money on the table? -

He's got kids

- I don't! -

From 13 other wives

- I'm sorry, this was a huge mistake.

Wait! Please, don't go! -

That's our Josh

- Nooo, I liked her -

He failed another date

- That was your fault -

Just sit down

- I wanna go home -

We all ordered more steak

- Wait, no. I'm not paying for all this.

Waiter, you gotta understand, this choir isn't with me. -

Waiter: Sir, your choir insisted that you were paying for the bill

Our kind Josh

- $3,482?! -

Treating us good tonight

- I can't afford that -

All praise him

- Please, we can talk this out -

Before he ends your lives

 Waiter: Are you threatening us sir?

 - NO! I'm not -

Yes he is

- Stop singing -

He's got a gun on him

- No I don't! -

He's killed once

- No, please, don't listen to them -

He's ready to kill again

- Frisk me! I don't have a weapon! -

Silly Josh

- I'm unarmed -

We all just called the cops

- Wait, you what? -

Just stay back

- What did you do? -

He's also high on crack

 - I'm not on drugs! Please, bring the cops in, tell them this is a huge misunderstanding. -

(police arrive)

Police: We have reports of an armed suspect on illegal substances.

That's our Josh

- Police, you gotta help, this choir is lying -

He's a wanted man

- They're making up lies all night -

He's your guy

- I'm not though -

He's killed the maitre-d

 - I didn't though -

Police: Body confirmed, 3 bullet holes, excessive bleeding, no pulse, calling EMTS.

Sir put your hands behind your head and get down on the ground now!

Good-bye Josh

- Please, I'm innocent! -

Your crimes caught up to you

- Officers please, I can explain! -

We'll miss you

- Someone call my lawyer -

We'll see you in court real soon

NO!